Thinman 2, Squirrels 0

November 3, 2009

I need sleep. I have kids who’ve literally been waking me up at the crack of dawn for over 5 years now (except school days, of course). They’re FINALLY getting old enough to the point where they’re sleeping in until 7:15.

Just in time for the squirrels to move in.

Now, at exactly 6 am every morning these rodents start running around in the ceiling right above my bed. I spent hours upon hours and two entire Saturdays sealing every possible entry point in my eves that the criminally poor builders left wide-open to the elements, and they’re still finding a way in.

Since they’re only active in the morning I actually had to take a vacation day last week just to hunt the bastards. [By the way-save the hate mail- I recieved a bunch of it the last time I posted my hunting excursion]. keep in mind that I really am a pacifist or whatever- I don’t enjoy killing. But these varmints are really asking for it.

For some reason, even after tuning in the sites on my trusty Daisy pellet gun i still couldn’t manage to hit one of the bastards even at point blank range, so I borrowed my buddy’s high powered air rifle with a scope. I finally nailed the two culprits as they tore apart the large pumpkin in my back yard. Yes, it was sad, but it had to be done. The war is finally over.

Coincidentally enough, my old high school friend in Cleveland was going through the very same problem at the very same time, but his situation was worse: He was dealing with raccoons. Squirrels running around the drywall are LOUD. I can’t imagine how much louder a 10 pound carnivore would be.

I just happened to get this email today. I realize he sounds like some lunatic redneck madman. That’s because he is: he’s a brilliant, bragadocious, gun-loving ex-Army Ranger who daylights as a banker. Here’s his account, including pictures. His last sentence had me laughing till milk squirted out my nose:

From: Stacey, xxxxx
Subject: Stacey 2, Raccoon 0

Sunday morning 0700 HRS.  Broad daylight.

My son is eating breakfast at the kitchen table and sees another Tango
making his way across the back yard to gain access to the roof and
ultimately the attic of our house.  He bangs on the window and the Tango
gets distracted and actually climbs up the wrong trunk of the Magnolia
tree next to the house, which he (and his prior teammate, RIP) has been
using as a means of egress to the top of the house.  

Fatal error.

I have him literally “treed” right next to the house at the top of the

Let’s back up a bit.  From the below-listed incident from May, I learned
that firing a 12 gauge shotgun with 00 buckshot at night can be…an
item of concern with the neighbors….so I purchased and installed a 22
LR sub-cal kit
into my Wilson Combat match-grade AR-15.  This basically
turns a world-class assault rifle into a relatively quiet varmint
plinker.  It’s like installing a pellet gun into the barrel of an
artillery piece, enabling a very fearsome-appearing weapon to shoot very
tiny bullets.

I grabbed the AR with the sub-cal device installed and went outside to
stalk and eliminate the Tango.

Then the wife starts yelling at me: “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? You’re outside with a MACHINE GUN! The NEIGHBORS! It’s Sunday morning! What’s WRONG with you?”

To quell her, I made sure the raccoon wasn’t going anywhere and went
back in the house, removed the screen from the kitchen window, then laid
down on my back on the kitchen floor where I had a clean shot of maybe
~50 feet.

Picked him off, he fell and gave two pretty loud screams before dying.

While not as majestic as a one-armed shot at ~140 feet in the pitch
black of night like the first one, the triumph of defeating these little
striped rats is still satisfying enough to share…

—–Original Message—–
From: Stacey, xxxxx
Subject: Stacey 1, Raccoon 0

Most of you know that we have had a raccoon in our attic, terrorizing
our house since last October.  It has caused a ton of damage to our
house including prying up an exhaust flange on the water heater piping
and causing water damage by allowing rainwater to destroy the drywall
over the master bedroom.  We have made numerous attempts to trap it
and/or drive it out, including hiring two different professional
trappers that have attempted, charged me for trapping “non target”
animals such as squirrels, and then given up when the little bastard
outcrafted them by stealing the bait and leaving the trap still set.

You have no idea how maddening this has been.  We could hear it every
night, brazenly stomping around in the attic right over our heads.  It
has been nothing short of a nightmare.

The saga is now over.

Tonight I armed myself and waited in the darkness of my neighbor’s yard
until I saw a shadow on the roof.

This was a truly amazing shot, if I do say so myself.  One shot, one
kill. 12 gauge shotgun with 00 buckshot, fired with one hand,
insupporting hand holding a 5-cell Maglite from about 140 feet.  I
picked him right off the roof, about 20 feet off the ground, as be
peaked over the edge of the roofline on the second story.

Yes, that is a center-mass shot AT NIGHT with a shotgun, with ONE HAND
with target acquisition in the split second of clicking the flashlight
on with the free hand.  It would have been impossible save the fact that
my shotgun is a police model with a pistol grip which allowed me to
fashion a one-handed assault.

The cops never showed up, and yes, I blew one of my gutters apart.

Totally worth it.

dead raccoon



  1. I forgot to mention the neighbors. I’m right in the city and my block is pretty densely populated.
    I was on my roof deck firing a rifle with a scope. Guns spook city people. The rifle is also pretty noisy, so I’m fortunate no one called the cops.

  2. Don’t forget, the rule in the city is – “don’t snitch on crazy people with guns, especially if they live near you!” At least that’s how we roll in the D! I think you’re safe.

  3. Bragadocious?

    That one had me baffled. I had to look it up:

    “A contraction from the Latin root phrase BRAJICTICUS PENILE ENORMI DOCCIUS; late 1300s; commonly known to refer to a particular scholar-warrior caste normally associated with a rare combination of significant capability and raw humility.”

  4. I had that exact same problem two years in a row. Each varmint control call cost me $1,200. Finally, I got out the pellet gun and did what you did…and every squirrel I see now I try to pop…they’re rats with furry tails as far as I’m concerned. They do some real damage.

    I must admit I had to laugh about the kids getting up early…except on school days. In some ways I’m glad mine are grown up.

  5. I didn’t find that definition in my dictionary, Lee.

    Frank- Don’t kill the red or fox squirrels. They’re the nice ones. The greys are the common invasive ones that are everywhere. They’re even invading England. Saw it on PBS so it must be true.

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